Archive for the ‘Quote of the Week’ Category
Why humans live 80 years but our animals don’t
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Why do we live about 80 years but most animals don’t? Sit back and I’ll tell you the story…
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed……
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……
God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Ode to the lousy internet
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In the 1700s, poet Robert Burns wrote his famous Ode to a Louse. He concluded:
O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us,
To see oursels as others see us!
In the modern era, our obsessions are different. As I was working on our website (to fund Pro Life on Campus this Fall), it occurred to me:
O for the Pow’r that money gives us,
We pray to God that Google sees us!
World to end May 21; FAB will review calculation on May 22.
World set to end May 21
It has come to our attention that the world is set to end on May 21, only 2 days from now. This is based on a complex set of calulations that we will review on May 22 right here at FAB!
Read the San Francisco Appeal report here. Until the big day arrives, you can keep up with the countdown here.
Apparently, there’s big money in predicting the end of the world. KGO-TV reports that Family Radio has spent million$ on their campaign. Does that mean they’ve raised millions as well? If their prediction doesn’t pan out, will they give refunds?
Hey, whatever works. If FAB predicts the world will end on August 15, you reckon we could raise million$ for our Fall GAP tour? Let’s get started!
Missions Quotes
Go ye into all the world and preach the Gospel ... (Mark 16:15)
“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” – Jim Elliot
“Today Christians spend more money on dog food than missions.” – Leonard Ravenhill
“It will not do to say that you have no special call to go to China. With these facts before you and with the command of the Lord Jesus to go and preach the gospel to every creature, you need rather to ascertain whether you have a special call to stay at home.” – J. Hudson Taylor
“We talk of the second coming, half the world has never heard of the first.” – Oswald J. Smith
“And thus I aspire to preach the gospel, not where Christ was already named so that I would not build on another man’s foundation.” – Apostle Paul
“Missions is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn’t.” – John Piper
“Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell, I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of Hell.” – C.T. Studd
“No one has the right to hear the gospel twice, while there remains someone who has not heard it once.” – Oswald J. Smith
When James Calvert went out as a missionary to the cannibals of the Fiji Islands, the ship captain tried to turn him back. “You will lose your life and the lives of those with you if you go among such savages,” he cried. To that, Calvert replied, “We died before we came here.”
“Someone asked ‘Will the heathen who have never heard the Gospel be saved?’ It is more a question with me whether we — who have the Gospel and fail to give it to those who have not — can be saved.” – Charles Spurgeon
“We can reach our world, if we will. The greatest lack today is not people or funds. The greatest need is prayer.” – Wesley Duewel, head of OMS International
“‘Not called!’ did you say? ‘Not heard the call,’ I think you should say. Put your ear down to the Bible, and hear Him bid you go and pull sinners out of the fire of sin.” – William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army
“The word ‘gospel’ means ‘good news’.” John Willis Zumwalt writes, “The essense of news is that it is new. They have never heard it before. Our neighbors have heard it over and over again.”
“I have but one candle of a life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light” – John Keith Falconer
World’s shortest books
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
Illustrated by Michael Moore
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
TO ALL THE MEN WE’VE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
and, just added
MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY
by Nancy Pelosi
Hallelujah Chorus at the Mall Food Court
Hallelujah Chorus singer at the Seaway Mall
At noon on November 13, 2010, these unsuspecting shoppers at the Seaway Mall in Welland, Ontario got a Christmas present they will never forget.
As I watch this … for the 10th time … I can’t help but wonder what the prophet Handel might think if he could see it. How could he imagine this scene, half a world and 269 years away, as he worked day and night in the summer of 1741 to set God’s Word to music?
Who knows what God will do with the work He has given each of us to complete?
As you may know, the prophet Handel is generally credited with writing Messiah, the Musical, but he actually plagiarized most of the lyrics. For example, he copied some of its most memorable lines from another prophet, a guy named Isaiah, who lived in the 700′s BC. For example, Isaiah wrote these lines:
Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a Son, and shall call his name Immanuel. (Isa. 7:14)
For unto Us a Child is born, unto Us a Son is given: and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isa. 9:6)
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. (Isa. 53:3-6)
Anybody can write about a person who has already lived and events that have already happened. The eternal beauty of Handel’s Messiah is that so much of it was written hundreds of years before Jesus was born. Only God can do that. Check this out.
Santa and reindeer sing “White Christmas”
Merry Christmas!
Back by popular demand, this is too funny!
How dinosaurs became extinct …
How dinosaurs became extinct
LSU Fans Smell Like Corndogs
This story came from Auburn.
My beloved Vols play LSU this weekend. We are 14-point underdogs, and we probably won’t be favored in any of our October games. So please forgive me if I indulge in a bit of pre-game humor, because I’ll probably be too depressed to laugh later or, for that matter, anytime during the month of October.
A few years back, an Auburn fan who goes by the Rivals username “DeepBlue” posted this controversial dissertation about LSU fans. It has become SEC legend ever since. I love all my LSU friends, but this story just cracks me up. If you are prone to be offended, either (a) don’t read it at all or (b) blame Auburn, because that’s where it came from.
So, without further ado, I give you the story of LSU fans and their facination with battered meat on a stick:
LSU Fans Smell Like Corndogs
LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.
Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.
LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.
I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at Internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.
I am afraid that they’ll know I said it. I’ll walk past an LSU fan someday, and he’ll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, “Gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?” The next thing you know, I’ll have flat tires on my car.
If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU fans how they smell, you know, like corn dogs.
LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.
I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If you attend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, “Wow, LSU sure does have a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game.”
It’s hard. I know. It’s like when you’re having sex and you try to think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: “Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?”; or “Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?” or “What did that giant corn dog just say?” or “Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?” or, of course, after a silencer: “Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?”
Heck, after what I’ve heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That’s okay.
You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don’t be obvious about it. Somehow they know you’re trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They’ll likely punch you for that if they catch on to what you’re doing.
If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it’ll permeate your whole body, and then you’ll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don’t say, “Dang, now I smell like a corn dog.” They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don’t say it. If you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?
I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression – indicating they smell corn dogs – might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that’s dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive around on some other weekend.
I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I’ve never actually seen any of these LSU fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there’s no mystery there – maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows? Maybe there’s a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work there. Maybe, there’s a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume. Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply – kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more ketchup or more mustard to the water. Don’t comment on it though. It’s not politically correct over there. It’s like a malnutrition issue or something. It’s like the corn dogs are probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.
I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you’re thinking: “Ahhhh. Here I am in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I’ll bet the people here smell just like boiled crawfish or shrimp etoufe’ or some fancy Cajun food.” But just stop thinking that. That’s just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.
In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. And don’t try masking the odor with something stronger. They’ll curse at you. They’ll say something like: “!#@%$&!, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home,” or “!#@%$&!!! Are you too good for the smell of corn dogs?” And they’ll cuss out your kids too: “!#@%$&!!!! Little Mister Fancy Pants over here acts like he doesn’t want to smell like corn dogs.”
Cajuns are not like us. Don’t you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff the Bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don’t press your luck with the Cajun Tiger fans. Don’t refer to Death Valley as Corn Dog Valley either. I mean that’s just wrong. Even if you’ve been drinking, they’ll beat you up and curse out your kids.
Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction – even if you’re laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex, or whatever. If you can’t control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn dog body odor from a distance or that you’re choking on it or something. They’ll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.
So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams. You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.
Enough with this corn dog talk. Let’s play ball…
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